Date of publication: 04/06/2017

About yours good manners You can judge by how well you know how to ask for forgiveness and accept apologies from other people. These are two sides of the same phenomenon. It is important that you have a balance between forgiving yourself and asking forgiveness from others. Some people forgive easily, but do not know how to apologize. For others, on the contrary, it is easier to apologize yourself than to accept someone else’s apology. So let's learn to find the middle ground and do it right.

Immediately on the shore we will agree that the word “Sorry” is energetically different from the expression “I beg your pardon.” The basis of the first word is “guilt”, the second is “forgive”. The less we talk about wine as such, the less we find ourselves in situations in which we become guilty. Therefore, according to esoteric rules, asking for forgiveness is more correct than apologizing.

Politeness requires saying “I’m sorry” if you accidentally hit or pushed someone or caused inconvenience. The most correct answer is the word “Please”. According to etiquette, the phrases “No problem” or “No need to apologize” are unacceptable.

Sometimes the word “Sorry” is a prelude to leaving the road or office in an institution. We are not considering this interpretation today.

When there are serious reasons for an apology, it can be very difficult psychologically to do so.

There are certain rules on how to properly ask for forgiveness:

1. You must show with all your appearance that you are aware of your wrongdoing and are striving to correct the situation.
2. You need to be sincere so that the injured party feels it and appreciates it.
3. At the same time, you need to look into the eyes, and not to the sides. Otherwise, your apology may seem fake.
4. Just say “I’m sorry, I was wrong (mistaken, etc.).” Don't promise that something like this won't happen again - no one knows what else can happen in life.
5. If your opponent does not believe in your sincerity, your relationship with him may become more tense. But if you know for sure that you were sincere, then everything else will be on the conscience of the one who did not accept your apology.
6. If you don’t know what to say, what words exactly, try to put yourself in the shoes of the offended person. This will help you understand the enormity of your act in his eyes and his picture of the world. After this, finding the right words will be easy.
7. Whether you will be forgiven or not depends on the character of the injured person, his attitude towards you, the depth of the offense and your sincerity. Sometimes it takes more than one day of reflection to forgive from the heart. Don't rush, give the person time.
8. If your offense is colossal, you need to prepare the person for the conversation. Especially if he is dear and close to you. Start this thread via SMS, ask for a meeting. If they don’t forgive you right away, they will appreciate your attempts to make amends.

According to etiquette, it is quite acceptable to supplement the words of apology with a gift. There is nothing reprehensible in this. Although it is possible that your impulse may be perceived as a bribe - it all depends on the person accepting the apology. , can give a woman flowers as a sign of repentance, a girl can give a guy a small gift as a sign of reconciliation.

It is not always appropriate to ask what to do to atone for guilt. It’s better to offer your options and let the injured party choose. This will make it psychologically easier for her.

If they ask you for forgiveness, then you can show your readiness to forgive not even with words, but simply smile back or shake hands.

People quarrel with each other quite often, but not everyone has the ability to ask for forgiveness. In our article we will try to tell you how you can apologize to your loved ones - your boyfriend or girlfriend, friends or family, and we will also give practical advice to those who have decided to apologize, but something is still stopping them.

Ways to apologize to different people

Since we, as a rule, quarrel with different people, depending on this, the methods of apology will vary slightly. So, what's the best way to apologize to your girlfriend (boyfriend), parents or friends?

• Apologies to parents. Typically, in this case, requests for forgiveness may vary depending on the degree to which the son or daughter is aware of guilt. If you have made a minor mistake, then it is quite enough to sit in front of your parent and ask for forgiveness. If your parent’s resentment has accumulated over the years and is still accumulating to this day, then a verbal apology will most likely be inappropriate here, since your parent knows in advance everything that you will tell him. In this case, it is better to write a letter to your parent (especially if you do not live together), or try to talk on the phone. If the degree of parental resentment is very high, then you need to be patient and try several ways of apologizing.
• Apologies to friends. Apologizing to friends should be done face to face, because only in this way will you understand whether your friend has forgiven you or harbors a grudge against you. Never ask for forgiveness from your friends through email or text messages, because your friendship is what happens between you when you meet, and therefore requests for forgiveness should be real, not virtual.
• Apologies to the girl (boyfriend). In this case, you will need excellent patience and creative thinking, since our soulmates tend to take offense the longest and love being shown love in unusual ways. How to beautifully apologize to a girl (boy)? There are many different methods, and the main ones are described in the articles located on our website:

So, you have decided to apologize, you have chosen a method, but you still have doubts. Our following tips are ideal for those who don't know how to apologize properly:

• First of all, you need to realize what you actually need to apologize for and whether it’s worth doing it at all. Many people apologize without feeling any guilt, so their apologies tend to sound very unconvincing. There is a category of people who, on the contrary, should not apologize, since they are not guilty of anything, and they are the ones who ask for words of forgiveness. Simply put, take a realistic and objective look at the situation from the outside and make the right decision.
• If, after all, the fault lies with you, then when apologizing, never start making excuses, as this looks like you are not apologizing, but quarreling with the person again. There is no need to act arrogantly, as if you are overstepping your pride; you should also not mumble and be shy, and also beg for forgiveness. Try to take over full responsibility for the mistakes you have made and admit your guilt without regard to the circumstances.
• After you have digested the previous provisions, try to choose the right time and place where you will apologize. Many people who think about how to apologize completely forget about this, but this point plays an important role. Sometimes you need to ask for forgiveness right away, sometimes it’s better to separate and be alone to give each other time to cool down. Naturally, the sooner you ask for forgiveness, the better, since delaying the very moment of forgiveness will likely escalate the situation even more. The place and form of the apology will depend on who you are apologizing to, as described above.
• If you ask for forgiveness, construct your phrases correctly, since they often determine the reaction of the person to whom you are apologizing. Never use the words “if” and “but” in your speech, which will only emphasize the fact that you do not regret what you did and are trying to shift the blame onto someone else. Talk about how you feel, not what would have happened if the person hadn't done or said something.
• Try to make amends by making a promise not to commit such acts in the future, fully understanding the reasons for your behavior. If the blame is enormous, first write a letter of apology, then apologize in person, and finally send a gift or flowers. Don’t expect to be forgiven right away, but if you apologize to a person more than once, and he is still angry with you, then it’s that person’s problem, not yours.

If you follow all of these tips, you can move your relationship forward, ease the awkwardness of communication, and ultimately restore the trust you've lost.

The ability to admit guilt and apologize is one of the characteristics of a mature personality. But sometimes they are mistakenly perceived only as an important part of sociocultural norms, and from childhood we are taught to say: “Forgive me, I didn’t do it on purpose.”

Unfortunately, this skill does not always develop throughout life and often gets stuck at the very level we were taught. Therefore, the apologies of adults sometimes sound untenable, like baby talk.

Why is it so difficult for us to apologize?

It means admitting that you're wrong and that you're wrong, and it takes courage to show that you're not perfect. As children, they demanded an apology from us, forcing us to think about our behavior or threatening to deprive us of sweets or cartoons. As a result, sociocultural norms were not realized, but were imposed from the outside, and were accompanied by misunderstanding, infringement, and resentment.

Adults with power demand what the child does not want or cannot yet understand, and many of us, along with the skill, internalize this feeling of humiliation for a long time.

Between “I’m sorry” or “I beg your pardon” and “Excuse (forgive) me, please” - a big difference

In an attempt to avoid feelings of humiliation, adults do not always choose truly correct formulations. Surely you are familiar with the phrases: “Forgive me if I offended you,” or “Forgive me, but I think...” - sometimes we say them unconsciously, without realizing that these “ifs” and “ but” speak of insincerity. They hide the speaker’s uncertainty that he really repents and understands how he offended the other.

There is a big difference between “I’m sorry” or “I ask for forgiveness” and “I’m sorry (forgive) me, please.” In the first case, we appeal to ourselves, and this is more like a formal fulfillment of social conventions. In the second case, we turn to the person whose feelings have been hurt. This is much more difficult because it makes us vulnerable: the other person is free not to accept an apology.

Why do this

Why do we even ask for forgiveness? Try asking this question to yourself or someone you know, and you will probably hear in response something like: “Because I was wrong/mistaken,” or “It was the only right thing/ mature/responsible decision." This is the problem: such motives do not reflect what an apology should achieve.

It is believed that if you do this, it means that you have offended someone, upset someone, let them down, or upset someone’s emotional balance. Therefore, the main goal should be to try to restore it, repair the emotional damage and receive sincere forgiveness. For an apology to be effective, it must be focused on the other person's feelings and needs, not our own. Often we don't try to help others feel better, we strive to make ourselves feel better.

The Key to Effective Apologies

The most important of these components that we often forget is the expression of empathy. In order for another person to forgive us, he must see that we were able to realize and experience for ourselves everything that we made him go through. Doing this convincingly is more difficult than it might seem. Let's look at this with an example.

Example

Situation

You've had a hard day at work and you return home in a terrible mood. It's late and you feel too groggy and irritable to go to a close friend's birthday party. In addition, it seems to you that in such a state it is better to stay away from people and there is no need to spoil the mood of others. You wake up the next morning with a crippling sense of guilt, which gets worse when you start to analyze the situation and realize that you didn’t even call your friend to let him know you weren’t coming.

Solution

What do you need to consider to make an apology effective? Before you continue reading, make your list of points that you would mention in a conversation with a friend.

Made up? Five Keys to an Effective Apology:

1. Excuse me please.
2. I'm really so sorry! I didn't come to your birthday yesterday.
3. I had a terrible day, I was literally exhausted and just went home to sleep. But this in no way justifies the fact that I did not show up without even warning you about it.
4. I can only imagine how upset and disappointed you were, how hurt you were and how angry you could be with me. I know how important this holiday was for you and how much effort you put into preparing it. You were probably waiting for my appearance and were worried. I hope you were able to enjoy the holiday, but I feel guilty that my selfish behavior may have affected your mood. I regret that as a friend I could not be there and share the holiday with you.
5. I understand this may take some time, but I hope you can forgive me.

Although admitting your mistakes may not seem easy, it will not only help improve your relationship, but also ease your feelings of guilt. Remember that expressing empathy takes practice and is worth learning. In addition, if you remember that you don’t have to do this, as you were once forced to do as a child, but want to because you sincerely regret it and the relationship is dear to you, it will be easier for you to find the right words.

Calm down and collect yourself before apologizing. You might want to rush to apologize to the person you've offended as soon as you realize you've behaved badly, but it's still a good idea to wait a little while before apologizing. Depending on how bad your behavior has been, you may want to keep your distance from the person during the day to let them move away and allow your own emotions to cool down a bit.

• Taking the time to calm down a bit will also allow you to plan your apology and think about what you will say. Often, a well-thought-out, clear apology the day after an incident is more effective than a sloppy, awkward apology immediately after the incident.

An apology is an expression of regret that you have done something wrong. An apology is essential to mending your relationship with the person you hurt. If you want to improve your relationship with someone, when apologizing, remember three things: regretting your actions, taking responsibility, and restoring the relationship. Although sometimes it is not so easy to apologize for a mistake, thanks in simple words you will be able to restore and improve your relationships with other people.

Steps

Part 1

There is no need to defend your innocence. Our view of things can be quite subjective. Two people may view the same situation differently because we perceive and interpret the situation differently. By apologizing, we acknowledge that a person can have an opinion, regardless of whether it is similar to yours or not.

• For example, imagine going to the cinema without your life partner. Most likely, he feels loneliness and pain. Instead of trying to prove that you are right, admit that he/she felt lonely and hurt and apologize for it.

1. Use the "I" statement. One of the most common mistakes made when apologizing is using “you” instead of “I.” When you apologize, you must take responsibility for your actions. Of course, if you didn’t do something, you shouldn’t be held accountable for those actions. Pay attention to your actions and do not blame others for their wrongs.

   Don't justify your actions. When explaining why we did this, we all tend to make excuses. However, making excuses often defeats the purpose of an apology because it can make the words sound insincere.

   • Very often, when making excuses, we say that the person misunderstood us. In addition, we may downplay the significance of the situation, for example, by saying that everything is not so bad or that we simply had no other choice.

2. Make excuses correctly. By apologizing, you can say that you didn't mean to hurt the person or hurt their feelings. The person may be pleased to hear that you care about them and that you didn't really mean to hurt them. However, you must be careful that making excuses does not negate responsibility for your wrongdoing.

   Avoid the word "but". An apology that includes the word “but” is almost never perceived as an apology. The word “but” acts as an eraser that erases your apology. The person no longer perceives your words as regret about what you have done, but thinks that you are trying with all your might to justify yourself. When people hear the word "but" they tend to stop listening. From this moment on, it seems to them that further accusations against them follow.

   • For example, don't say, "Sorry, but I was so tired." By this you emphasize that you had a reason to make this mistake and do not at all express regret that you hurt the person.
   • Instead, you can say, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know I hurt your feelings. I was tired and that's why I said it, but I'm really sorry about it."

3. Consider individual characteristics another man. Research shows that each person may process your apology differently. In other words, taking into account the individual characteristics of a person, you can determine which words of regret will be most effective for him.

   • For example, some people are very independent and it is very important for them to assert their rights. These people are likely to be receptive to more practical apologies.
   • For people who highly value personal relationships with others, compassion and empathy for their pain will be most important.
   • Some people value social rules and norms highly and see themselves as a member of a larger social group. Such people are likely to be more receptive to an apology that shows that their rights have been violated.
   • Unless you know the person very well, you can include a little bit of everything. Thanks to this, a person will choose what is most important to him.

4. Write your apology on a piece of paper. If you have difficulty formulating the words of your apology, try putting it down on paper. This will help you ensure that you are expressing words of apology. in the right way. Take the time to figure out why you are apologizing and what you will do to avoid repeating the mistake.

   Part 2

   Time and place

   1. Find the right time. Even if you say you regret something, an apology may not be effective if you say it during an argument. For example, if you are still arguing about something, your apology may fall on deaf ears. This is because we find it difficult to listen to others when we are experiencing negative emotions. Wait until you've cooled down and are ready to hear each other.

      Apologize to the person in person. If you apologize in person, it is more likely that your words will be perceived as sincere. Remember that we can also convey information non-verbally, for example through facial expressions and gestures. Whenever possible, ask for forgiveness in person.

      • If you can't ask for forgiveness in person, use the phone. The tone of your voice should show that you are sincere.

   2. Choose a quiet environment for your apology. It is usually a very personal act. If you find a quiet, private place to apologize, you can focus on the other person and not be distracted by anything else.

      • Choose a place where you can relax, make sure you have enough time and don't have to rush.

   3. Make sure you have enough time to talk with the offended party. If you are in a hurry, you are unlikely to be able to resolve the disagreement. You need enough time to explain the reason for your behavior and ask for forgiveness. You will have to admit that you were wrong, explain why it happened, express regret about what happened, and show that you will not repeat it in the future.

      • You should also choose a time when you will not be tense or stressed. If you are thinking about something else when you apologize, your attention will not be focused on the words of regret and the offended party will feel it.

   Part 3

   Apology

   1. Be open and try to relax. This type of communication is called "integrative communication" and involves open discussion of issues to achieve mutual understanding. Integrative methods have a positive effect on relationships.

      • For example, if the person brings up the situation again, allow him to finish, no matter how unpleasant it may be for you. Wait before you object. Listen carefully to the person, and try to look at the situation from the other person's point of view, even if you do not agree with him. Don't shout or insult the other person.

   2. Use gestures in moderation. Nonverbal signs are no less important than words. Don't slouch, as this may indicate that you are closed to conversation.

      Express your regret. Empathize with the other person. Tell him that you understand that you hurt this person. Show that you care about this person and his feelings.

   3. Be prepared to take responsibility. Be specific. A specific apology is likely to be received more favorably by the other person because it shows that you understand that your actions hurt the other person.

      • Try to avoid generalizations. You shouldn’t say: “I’m a terrible person”; with such words you do not emphasize that you did something wrong, which led to resentment. Agree, stopping being a terrible person is much more difficult than learning to pay attention to the needs of other people.
      • For example, when apologizing, say specifically how you offended the other person. "I deeply regret that I hurt your feelings yesterday. I feel terrible for hurting you. I will never speak like that again."

   4. State how you will correct the situation. An apology is more likely to be effective if you promise not to do the same thing in the future or do everything you can to correct the situation.

      Be patient. If the person doesn't accept your apology, thank them for listening and leave the door open in case they want to talk about it later. For example, say, "I understand that you are still upset about what happened, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to ask for your forgiveness. If you ever change your mind, please call me." Some people need a little more time to cool down.

      • Please note that even if a person accepted your apology, this does not mean that he has completely forgiven you. It will likely take some time, perhaps even a long time, before you can fully repair your relationship. There is little you can do in this situation. If the person is truly important to you, give them time and space to deal with their feelings. Don't expect this to happen quickly.
      • If possible, always talk one-on-one. This will reduce the risk of other people influencing your decision to forgive. However, if you have offended someone publicly, then apologizing in front of everyone will help make amends.
      • After apologizing, give yourself some time and think about what you could do to improve the situation. Next time you will know how to avoid such a problem.
      • If the person wants to talk to you about how to fix a mistake, that's a good sign. If, for example, you forgot your wife's birthday, celebrate with her on another day in an even bigger way. This doesn't relieve you of responsibility for your next birthday, but it does show that you're making an effort.
      • One apology often leads to another. Perhaps you will admit something else or the other person will decide to apologize to you too. Be willing to forgive.