What to do if you are in love with a friend. What to do if you love your friend's boyfriend. How to confess your love to your best friend
Our life is so fleeting, you don’t have time to look back - and all the most interesting things have passed by. What to do if you are young and you really want love and adventure? Of course - fall in love! People have fallen in love at all times, and there has always been someone judging the couples: sometimes they are not the right age, sometimes they are too young, sometimes they are too old. And if - before, and even now, many in society consider this a deviation from the norm. I am a girl, and for some time now I have been interested in the question - what is same-sex love?
In society, there are certain attitudes and ideas about what feelings should be and to whom they can be felt. It is considered normal for girls to fall in love with guys, or vice versa. Other deviations from such a system of relations are not approved by every person.
For example, a girl may like another girl very much, and they will feel a certain sympathy for each other. This is far from a simple relationship and, first of all, it is connected with public opinion.
Of course, before admitting your feelings, you need to decide for yourself: is this really sympathy, maybe you just came up with an adventure out of boredom?
If you find yourself in such a situation, then you will definitely have thoughts about what to do if you fall in love with a friend. After all, at the same time, you always feel awkward, embarrassed, and are afraid that your friend will find out about your feelings for her. It seems to you that your friend will not be able to understand you, will laugh at you, or will simply be scared.
This is the first question to which you want to find an answer, immediately after realizing that you have feelings for your friend that are much more than friendly.
- A friend is one of the closest people with whom you spend a lot of time, dedicate her to many secrets, and share your most intimate things. Such closeness and mutual understanding makes you come to the conclusion that this person understands you better than anyone else and is ready to support you in any, even the most difficult situation.
- The absence of a worthy young man in life who could become the other half. Constant searches and failures in relationships with a man can lead you to believe that nothing good is working out with them, and you need to look for an alternative, which can be a close friend.
- One of the motives for a girl’s attraction to her friend is interest and a desire to try something new and unusual in a relationship, especially if before this relationship everything was unsuccessful and monotonous. It’s like an obstacle that you definitely want to overcome.
- Lack of attention from family and friends can also affect the expression of feelings for your friend, who, unlike everyone else, is immersed in all your life problems, and it is precisely these human qualities that become especially important and valuable to you.
There is a small percentage of girls and women who can only be attracted to girls and enjoy intimate relationships only with them. In this case, serious psychotherapeutic work may be needed to help correct this behavior.
In most cases, when faced with such a situation, the first thing that happens to a girl is denial of everything that is happening, and an unwillingness to admit that she has developed a strong feeling of sympathy for her best friend. Usually, after denial comes a gradual acceptance of the entire current situation, and reflection on one’s future behavior with this person.
If you are completely confident in your feeling and are convinced that it will not just disappear, look for the strength and courage in yourself to tell your friend about what is happening in your heart and soul. This way, you can feel relief and emotional release. If it’s hard for you to meet with your friend, and it’s getting harder and harder to hide your feelings, if you’re unhappy, be sure to talk to your friend about your fears. But the best option is to talk to a psychologist first, if possible. If not, read psychology books on this topic.
- This should be done in a calm environment in which you will feel not only comfortable, but also confident.
Be sure to make a mental plan for your conversation. - Don’t be shy about talking about your feelings, try to explain to her why you like her, what reaction you expect from her, etc.
- When talking, try to avoid any tactile contact, hugs, or kisses. This behavior may shock and alienate your friend.
- There is no need to involve intermediaries in your conversation. Feelings for a friend are something very personal, and only you and she can understand them.
- Don't drink alcohol before such an important conversation. Your thoughts and speech must be absolutely clear and precise.
- Don't expect comments and answers to all the questions you asked your friend. She most likely will not be ready to give you answers at the moment when you expect it from her. She may need time to analyze everything she has learned and make some decisions.
- If you feel that during a personal conversation you cannot cope with excitement or emotions, then tell us everything through a letter. This is much easier to do than alone with a person.
No one can fully explain why sympathy and love arise, even despite many reasonings and theories. Love for a friend is an unusual feeling, and only its owner can decide how to use it.
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- If she reacts negatively, it doesn't mean she absolutely doesn't like you. Perhaps she just never thought that you could date. She may need time to think about it. Don't say you were joking. She will either understand that you are lying, or consider it a cruel joke.
- Talk about feelings in person. You should not write about this by email or SMS. Don't confess your feelings to her when there are other people around because it can really confuse her. You shouldn't talk about it when you've been drinking, because it will be extremely awkward in the morning, especially if neither you nor she remembers anything.
- If you decide to tell her everything, tell her that you will understand if she only wants to be friends and that you can handle your feelings if she doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Tell her you couldn't keep it to yourself any longer, but you can handle her rejection.
- Do not hurry. This is a special girl because she tells you all her secrets. If your feelings come as a complete surprise to her, she may become embarrassed. She may just like to be friends with you.
- Feelings are difficult to hide, especially for young people. It is quite possible that she has long understood that you like her, but she simply does not show it.
- If she gets a boyfriend while you're trying to get her to like you, keep talking to her and always be there for her. Temporarily put aside your plans to get closer to her.
- Be a gentleman. Open the door for her, and if a friend of yours walks by that she doesn't know, introduce her to him.
- If you tell her how you feel and she doesn't reciprocate your feelings, move away for a while. This will be very difficult to do, but it will be useful for you. She will notice that she misses you, and your friendship will be restored.
- Read articles for girls that tell you what to do if they like their best friend. This way you can understand what she needs.
- Everything can work out. Often girls reciprocate their feelings with their close friends.
- If you fail to tell her how you feel after many months, you will notice that you have less communication. Don't let this happen. Choose a suitable time and place and talk to her. Start with: “Is it just me or are you really avoiding me?” See how she responds. Is she trying to shorten the conversation or is she inclined to talk?
- Be confident. Uncertainty turns girls off. But do not go to the other extreme - self-confidence.
- If you decide to tell her how you feel while she's dating someone, expect the worst. It is unlikely that she will leave her boyfriend for you. In any case, do not try to quarrel between them. If she is not sure of her feelings for her boyfriend, you should not increase her doubts, because this will make you worse. If you try to point out her boyfriend's bad character traits, she will start defending him. Don't forget that this girl is your friend, although with all these emotions it costs nothing to forget about it. Just remember that you may not only lose the girl you love, but also a close friend.
- Value your friendships. Love her, never make her regret anything and always be there for her. You have been given an opportunity that many would die for.
- If you are not the most fun and outgoing person, find someone who can help you develop these qualities.
- If she breaks up with her boyfriend, you shouldn't give her all your time. Stay with her a little more than usual, and then return to your usual role as a friend. If you discuss her broken relationship with her, you will forever be stuck in the friend zone.
- If you are discussing a relationship with each other and she suddenly asks if you are dating anyone or if you have anyone in mind, answer: “No, no one, just you. I think about how beautiful you are all the time.” ". Then laugh and say you were joking. Jokes like these lighten the mood and will make it easier for you to tell her everything over time. After such a joke, it’s good to say that you have no one, but you are open to new relationships.
- Buy fashionable and stylish clothes and wear them as often as possible.
- You may feel sad, but don't let the sadness get the better of you. And make sure your friend doesn't see it! You can even try flirting with other girls - she may feel jealous.
Elizaveta Dostoevskaya
Good afternoon, I'm 22 years old. At the age of 19, I realized that I had fallen in love with my own friend, after several months we broke up and did not communicate for 2 and a half years, until “fate” pushed us together again. I didn’t want to talk to her, I felt disgust and hatred for her, I was ready to curse her for hours because of how she treated me, for leaving me, but for driving me to a suicide attempt. However, my friend advised me to talk to her in order to make peace, because she thought that I was missing her. I allowed such a thought in order to save myself from internal depression, and with grief I began to communicate.
This did not bring me any visible relief; on the contrary, I began to constantly get angry, I was terribly annoyed that everything was fine with her, I wanted her to suffer the same way as I did. It got to the point where I entertained thoughts in my head about beating her if only she would remain silent. But thoughts remained thoughts, because while I was communicating with her, I at least began to feel something, the same anger.
After a week of communication, I suddenly found out that she had a boyfriend. The anger accumulating in me reached the edge. The thought stuck in my head: “you were replaced,” “did you really think that she needed you seriously?”, “sooner or later this would have happened, what did you expect?” Every day it became more and more difficult, 3 days after the “news” and communicating with her, as if nothing had happened, I was faced with such a problem as an obsessive desire to think about her. No matter what I do, how I try to distract myself, she and only she is in my head. Sometimes I start to imagine her kissing that guy or having sex, just showing feelings and care for him. This makes me almost hysterical, but I can’t stop these thoughts.
The fact is that I seemed to become obsessed with blind hatred for her, for the guy. I have no thoughts in my head other than to harm, beat or even kill. If only I wouldn’t see her again, if only I wouldn’t hear her, and I could quickly forget, throw away everything I was holding. Thoughts of murder or the possibility of causing harm frighten me, but I feel the control is gradually slipping away. I absolutely don't know what to do. Even if I stop communicating, the flow of thoughts will increase from the expanded boundaries for fantasy, because I won’t know how her day went, I will sit and think how much fun she has and how well she gets along without me.
Elizaveta Dostoevskaya, hello! You sound desperate, as if you fear that you have lost a lot of control over your own emotions, and your feelings are flooding you. It’s quite difficult to be in this state, as I understand, you are unable to take a break from obsessive thoughts and switch to something else. Do I understand you correctly that you are afraid that your thoughts may lead you to actions whose consequences you are afraid of?
Elizaveta Dostoevskaya
Hello, that's right. I feel like I can harm her physically, and with every conversation my confidence in this grows.
AlexandraTru
Of course, I am an amateur in psychology. (I'm not a psychologist). But I had a similar situation. I was also angry, very angry, and I was also afraid that if a person appeared in my life, I might kill him. Because of my emotions, experiences, etc. It was very difficult to live like this, experiencing such strong negativity, uncontrollable and uncontrollable, almost 24 hours a day, no matter what you do... I read on the Internet that if a person cannot forgive someone (in other words, he is angry with someone) this means that a person cannot forgive himself. That is, if we take my situation, I let the person get too close and quickly moved closer. And he left. And this caused such strong negativity. That is - according to the theory - I could not forgive myself for trusting him so quickly. I understood this then in my head. Unfortunately, this did not help me cope with negativity and anger. The negativity has decreased over time. And now I understand that this is really so. I was mostly angry with myself. Perhaps it will help you to look at the situation from a different angle... From an angle that you can somehow control...
Elizaveta Dostoevskaya
I get higher education I work part-time and at the same time I do boxing. I don’t have any close people around me, my only friend lives in another city and comes only for the holidays, I communicate with my friends in the section, the only person who is closest to me is my roommate with whom we rent an apartment, I broke off relations with my family, I’ve been living alone for a year and a half. I vaguely imagine the future, before I wanted to build a family, but now the meaning is somehow lost, I find salvation only in boxing and my dog, and in the place of this girl, of course. I can’t go a day without cursing. I once had a crush on a guy in high school, but I realized that this was not what I needed. Then I had a relationship with a girl back in school, but she died. After that, I was afraid to get into a relationship until I met this person who also let me down. Because she became closer to me than the previous girl, the attachment was strong and anger was tantamount to affection.
I would like to meet a person on whom I can rely, but after these failures I am either afraid, or I don’t want to, or I think that I will kill her and I will no longer have time for earthly goods.
AlexandraTru, sometimes it seems to me that I’m angry with myself for making such a mistake and trusting someone I shouldn’t have. I didn’t see all the pitfalls at once. Because, despite all the responsiveness, they easily abandoned me and replaced me.
Elizaveta Dostoevskaya, could you clarify: for what reasons did you break ties with your family? Have you lived in this city all your life? I don’t quite get it: were you in a romantic relationship with the girl for whom you now have such strong feelings? Did she know about your crush on her, or were you friends but did not reveal your feelings to her?
Elizaveta Dostoevskaya
I severed ties with my family because they did not accept me and did not understand me. I moved to another city after a quarrel with my family. The one I hate had romantic feelings that were very strong and mutual, but short-lived. Obviously something didn't suit her.
Elizaveta Dostoevskaya
That's right, I didn't accept it, literally, refused. I don’t have a suitable friend for this position because I have trust issues. I can’t tell anyone about my problems, from now on any person seems like a traitor to me
What is your relationship with the person with whom you rent an apartment? Do you communicate on any topics? Friend from another city, how close are you: do you correspond? How often?
Does your dog give you strength and support?
Elizaveta Dostoevskaya
In general, my situation is extremely complex and incomprehensible, at least for myself. My friend fell in love with me and admitted it to me... Now I have absolutely no idea what to do.
Now I’m 27, she’s 26. We’ve known each other for more than two years. She became for me one of those very people whom I could always rely on. I had the warmest relationship with her. I feel good with her.
There was never any reason to think that she gay. Normal, appropriate behavior. And a good style of clothing, I would even say often provocative. To notice her in the company of a girl, where one could suspect something - especially since there was no such thing. Yes, for all the time that we have known each other, she has not had a man in her life, that’s for sure. But in the end, I thought, you never know what’s in a person’s soul, you never know what reasons. After all, I myself haven’t had any man for four years. In general, things somehow didn’t go well all the time, nothing worthwhile came out of the word at all - I gave up on it all, pushed my personal life away. I decided to take care of myself, my health, and also get serious about my career. Which actually worked out great for me. And then somehow I didn’t want to look for a mate. On the contrary, I liked life better this way, and my soul felt good. The need no longer arose or something. So she seemed to me, in my head, with some kind of similar situation. And I didn’t notice any strange attitude towards me either, although now I don’t know anymore... She was very cheerful and didn’t give any hints that there was something wrong with her, for example. It seemed to me that everything was fine with her.
But about six months ago something strange began. No, it seemed like nothing had happened, but I somehow subconsciously felt that not everything was fine with her. I couldn’t explain it to myself, but at times I had a presentiment of something.
And two years ago we were sitting at my house. Then I immediately noticed extreme tension, which was unusual for her. I don’t know, maybe the situation was right, but she just blurted it all out at once. She confessed everything about herself. Of course, she also said that she fell in love with me and wants to be with me. It was clear that everything had been accumulating in her for more than one day, and that it was unlikely that she could endure any longer. It was then that I was confused and stupefied by so much information. After a while, she sharply moved forward and kissed me on the lips. But I... I didn't push her away. At that very moment, I cannot explain why, I felt a strong sense of relief and pleasure. Yes I liked it very much. Somehow everything was forgotten for a moment. Everything inside me began to stir. And at that moment I wanted to kiss you again, myself. Let it be somehow not fully conscious. I probably would have done so if it weren’t for the small shock that shackled me. She then quickly pulled away, shook awkwardly, muttered a couple of phrases inaudibly (something like an apology) and ran away. And I was left to sit and think.
During these two days, neither of us apparently had the courage to even call. I took sick leave until the end of this week (we work in the same place). But I absolutely don’t know what to do now. Somehow everything is beyond my understanding, very complex and non-standard. But more and more often the thought pops up: maybe I should really at least try myself in such a relationship? It’s stupid to deny, even if I can’t fully admit to myself yet, but I also feel a lot for her. Especially now. I want to be close to her. However, this is all too ambiguous, the whole situation. And few people will be delighted with this, first of all my parents.
I know I need to talk to her first, more calmly. But what can I say? How? What words should I choose? It seems to me that I still cannot find the way, since I myself have not understood myself and my feelings for her. But how can I figure it out? So what should I do?
Hello, Elizaveta.
I am ready to discuss your difficulties and questions with you.
It seems to me that you now have many unexpressed feelings, doubts, fears, questions, both about yourself and about your friend. Could you tell us about them?
I don't know where to start to tell you simply. Maybe you could suggest an important direction? What's the best place to start?Elizabeth, if you want to find answers to your questions, you can start by answering my question. This will be the beginning of your search for “how to be.”
Well, outsiders’ opinions about such relationships don’t really bother me.
Career, thank God, has absolutely nothing to do with it. If I was worried about the “reputation of a lesbian,” I wouldn’t be in my place in life in general. By that time, I was living and working surrounded by people who were not so much even maximally tolerant in this regard, as they simply did not make a fundamental difference. It’s not customary for us to pry too much into our personal lives, but this doesn’t interfere with work at all. Even without taking into account that this society is already quite “depraved”, I think so. As a result, if anything happens, I won’t be the first. I, too, will have something to tell you, as a last resort.
And then, if you want, this is where you can just not go into too much detail. Fortunately, people have no interest in discussing a person in this way. If there is gossip, thank you, it is not loud, and not from people who are friendly towards me. And in this case, what happens next is of little interest to me. You might think that now someone out there doesn’t consider me a bad person, in many aspects. Of course, only my own perception, and that of close people, is important to me, nothing more. You still can’t please everyone, you’ll just end up stuck chasing all the rabbits.
Parents are of course different here. I'm the only daughter. Sooner or later it will become impossible to hide. There are probably no good options for the development of events. I know firsthand (very familiar with real stories) that these coming outs almost always happen crookedly, not the way we would like. And there is no doubt that everything will open up. A lot of time can indeed pass if desired, but it will still happen. Only the problem of long-term lies will be added. If no other problems arise.
Parents are not the people from whom you can (and even need, perhaps) hide everything perfectly and live in peace. Not strangers, after all. And many people need understanding and acceptance of them.
As for a relationship with a man, taking into account my past, why do I need such a person who lives in some kind of my past? No, not needed.
A full-fledged family is a very vague concept for me, but children, well, modern world You don't have to get married. Although the feeling of becoming a mother never arose in me even one percent.
Why didn’t my relationships with men work out? If only I knew for sure. I don’t argue, most likely it’s my own fault. I’ll be honest, I’m not a very kind person. I am quite despotic, aggressive, demanding. I could say that behaving rudely and unfeminine is a duty of service, but I won’t lie. Work has nothing to do with it, this is my life credo, something that has been established for a long time. A long time ago. My strong character, reasonable, extremely cold behavior, all this was traceable to me almost from adolescence.
I heard this phrase about finally getting married after crowing alone - I heard from “good” advisers. But that's the point. I didn’t see the point of getting married. Because nothing forced me. I’m not alone, and I have no time to be bored. And I have plenty of pleasures and joys in life.
Why should I get married? Just like that, living with a person with whom the relationship cannot be called love in the full sense? More than once I met quite good people, in fact. But I didn’t feel anything for them, I couldn’t. And somehow there was no human care or affection from them. Maybe my problem was that I didn’t want to be a classic wife, for example. I don’t want to be alone with routine life. Home comfort is not my thing at all. I'm not a romantic person, but rather down-to-earth and practical. I constantly think rationally, without daydreaming. When I am faced with the choice of doing what should be done, what is right and what is easy and carefree - I choose the first. Even if it will be detrimental and negative for many. Besides, I am an immoral person. More precisely, I have my own morality, convenient, reasonable. To be honest, it’s probably not easy for men to be with me. Because I’m used to setting rules in life, or at least seriously influencing them. Yes, I often give orders. As it turned out, no one likes my bitchy character.
The material aspect has never bothered me. And now even more so. Do I really need a man who will earn pittance and sit on my neck, to take advantage of me? But rich people don’t need an independent woman with her own will, again. Why else get married then? If there was a need for money, but there is none. I would like entertainment, sex, please, but keeping some kind of gigolo in the house makes no sense.
I always felt that either men were somehow using me, holding me out of convenience, or that I was simply not valuable to them in their souls anyway. I wish I could live on my own without loving, but also without feelings towards me - definitely without a chance.
Somehow I always managed to communicate perfectly with men as friends and colleagues. And it worked out great. But nothing else. And now the puzzle in my head suddenly began to converge, regarding myself.
As for how I feel about her now, I'm not sure that these are not my short-term feelings, that I just haven't gone crazy for a while. For me, it’s like switching to some completely different daily routine. Unexpectedly, and very quickly. I'm afraid of doing something wrong and giving her false hope.
It's about myself.
