As soon as a child appears in the family, parents are immediately made to understand: we live in a country of Soviets. Grandparents, friends and relatives, compassionate passers-by and active neighbors - everyone knows exactly how to help your baby sleep, at what temperature it’s time to put a hat on him, how good boys and girls should behave so as not to get dirty in the dirt and not cause trouble. mother hassle with doing laundry, and how a mother should behave so that her child does not annoy the neighbors in the airplane row by playing peek-a-boo.

Frankly, it's tiring. For the first time, you will nod vaguely and smile politely at the friendly advice “give the baby a pacifier, he will fall asleep right away.” Another time you will sigh heavily, trying to explain to your own mother that the child will not be able to get through because of the open window in the room. In the third, you will lash out at the security guard at the clinic, who, for educational purposes, will threaten your son: “Our policeman will take away such a capricious boy in an instant!”

It seems that those around you are testing your strength. But in reality they simply end up in a sensitive place - parenthood, which for most people is the most important thing in life. It’s not easy to put on armor every time and fend off outside criticism when you yourself couldn’t sleep at night because of your baby’s teeth, or you don’t know how to persuade your child to take the medicine he needs, or you suffer from toxicosis, expecting another baby, so you allow your older child a little more freedom. But society is not asleep, it points its finger at the fact that “your child will now catch germs in a puddle and get sick,” and every word resonates inside as you. Bad. Parent.

Painful comments become a problem, lower self-esteem, and convince us that we are not coping with our role. But you still need to remember that not all comments deserve a reaction. In general, they can be divided into two categories: criticism that should not be taken seriously, and comments that should not be left unanswered.

We do not enter into confrontation

Let's not lie: we are all capable of judging someone from time to time, at least mentally. For going with a three-month-old baby to the sea, for letting the child cry while teaching him to sleep on his own, for choosing home schooling rather than going to school like everyone else. This is how we get triggers that mean something to us and touch sensitive areas. Exactly the same triggers work for those around you. Unfortunately, few people tend to take into account the context in which parents make this or that decision when raising their children. An outsider is guided by his own experience; it seems to him that he knows what is best and will help with advice.

Often our own parents hit where it hurts. They give advice with the best intentions, but they can be too persistent. No one wants to ruin their relationship with each other, but the fact remains: the experience of mothers is not identical to our experience, approaches to parenting change over time, and older generations have difficulty accepting change and innovation. Therefore, it is better to perceive controversial situations as an opportunity to learn how to talk to each other and find a compromise.

Listen to the parents' point of view, but firmly make it clear that you make the main decisions about raising your children. A possible response to criticism of your sleep method could be: “Thanks for the advice, I understand that some babies like to be rocked to sleep, but our baby sleeps better when breastfed.”

It is important for many people to hear another authoritative opinion. It’s good if you show your awareness of a controversial issue and back up your opinion with a professional one. If the grandmother assures that it is necessary to swaddle the child with his arms so that he sleeps soundly: “After all, I did that with you, and you slept all night!”, There is no need to offend her with sharp disagreement. Show, for example, a book by Dr. Komarovsky, whose advice you trust, or print out an article for your grandmother about how modern pediatricians do not support tight swaddling. Perhaps, having learned about an authoritative source, the elders will not be so critical.

The first impulse when receiving criticism is to prove to the person that he is wrong, but with loved ones the most important thing is to maintain good relations and not quarrel over dear grandchildren. According to the law of nature, the older generation considers it necessary to take care of the younger generation with words and deeds if they see that the children need them. Increase your independence in your parents' eyes, let them understand that you are ready to make your own decisions and take responsibility for raising your children.

Let's not stand aside

Often criticism comes from strangers and causes negative emotions and rejection, goes against what you feel, and becomes an interference in your personal life. This happens when strangers, without any reason, label you and your children. In this case, we are obliged to stand up for protection.

“Bad girl,” a passer-by will say, as if in your support, if she witnesses a not-so-pretty street scene, when a three-year-old daughter, tired from a long journey, sits down on the asphalt and, with tears, refuses to go further. To remain silent or agree with a stranger in such a situation means to admit the “badness” of your child. This is the case when it is necessary to answer out loud to a passer-by that she is wrong, and to the daughter that she is not at all what the woman called her.

Another way to respond to unwanted criticism is to turn the negative assessment of others into a positive one:

– Your child is so noisy, how do you deal with him?
– Yes, he is very energetic and active, look, at the age of five he can already climb a rope and do pull-ups.

– Have you decided not to breastfeed?
– There were reasons for this. But I’m glad that my baby gets a good formula and is developing well.

One of the mistakes parents make is sharing personal problems with a close circle. Those around you are noticeably encouraged if they find out that you have difficulties with your children, advice is immediately available to them, because with your revelations you show openness to criticism. Don't let other people think that you are ashamed of your children's behavior. It is much better to show confidence, even if only externally, in your approach to parenting.

Are you convinced that boys don't have to wear crew-cut haircuts if they have beautiful curls? Are you sure that an hour of cartoons a day will not harm your children? You don’t think it’s good for them to drink sparkling water and refuse the offered drink. Make it clear to the person making the remark in your direction that you have heard their point of view, but your approach works in your family and everything that concerns your children can only be decided by you.

When someone else's words hurt you, it can be useful to say to yourself: what is it in your neighbor's life that makes her scream, that you are not watching your child, and he is about to hit the swing? Perhaps there was an unpleasant incident in her own experience, because of which she wants to warn other mothers to watch their children more closely on the playground and not let them run near the swing. Very politely thank your neighbor for her concern and tell her that you have everything under control.

Nota bene:

people who give unsolicited advice don't necessarily think you're a bad parent. In many cases, they are simply sharing an experience and want someone to listen; Most advisers are not experts in psychology and pedagogy. Most likely, they are parents themselves and, like everyone else, they are prone to making mistakes. Don't take all the words to heart; You don’t have to explain to everyone why you don’t take your child to McDonald’s, or allow you to walk around without a jacket at plus 10, or got your ears pierced so early. Don't waste a lot of mental energy on this. if the comments of some people seem intrusive and inappropriate to you, perhaps this is a reason to politely distance yourself from communication with them and spend more time with those with whom you share the same views on education.

We cannot influence the words and actions of other people, but we can think through our reaction to other people's comments. You don't have to be rude to let others know that you're raising your children in a way that works for you. Although, to be honest, I would like to believe that the time will come when we will hear much more often than unpleasant comments best compliment, which can only be given to a woman with children: that she is a good mother.

L. Charlin

“Is it possible to talk to your mother like that, boy?”, “Who’s screaming like that?” - favorite remarks of strangers towards your child. Some passers-by really like to make comments to other people's children. In this case, how should a parent behave?

First you need to prioritize

The easiest way is to shake your head reproachfully, agreeing with stranger, or reprimand your child for a committed offense, maybe even a minor one. Most often, parents do just that. They scold the baby and forget about this situation in a few minutes. But children remember this. It seems to you that the child doesn’t care, but look at the situation from the outside - you, in fact, go over to the side of the offenders, strangers and strangers, and together with them you scold your own child! Is this not betrayal?

Imagine the situation: in a hurry, a young wife paints her eyes and as a result the arrows turn out crooked. She and her husband enter the elevator and the neighbor begins to comment: “Did you see how your wife failed the arrows? Does she look in the mirror or what?” And the husband, instead of taking the side of his other half, will answer: “Yes, she’s incompetent, she always makes her eyes look like that!”

Is this really an absurd and funny situation? And this is exactly what adults do with a child. Before reacting immediately to a provocation from a random passer-by about your baby, think about who is more dear to you - some aunt or your child?

Guilty or not guilty?

If strangers give you advice or make comments on the matter, you should understand when to listen to their comments and when to ignore them. After all, people are sometimes indignant for a very significant reason and sometimes to the point. The most typical reasons are “Your child is throwing sand”, “He is throwing stones at my child” or something else that you yourself have not noticed and that:

Note to moms!

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• poses a threat to the health of your child;
• poses a threat to the health of others.

Assess the situation soberly and understand who is to blame. Maybe it’s a child, maybe it’s your fault for not paying attention, or maybe it’s a ridiculous misunderstanding. Be that as it may, even if your child has done some mischief, you don’t need to immediately reprimand him in front of strangers. Don't humiliate your own child! Say thank you to the “adviser”, step aside with your child and talk privately without threats, spanking or screaming. After all, your screams will not change anything, you will only be ashamed in front of people for the performance you staged.

If you are very angry, the best thing to do is take your child away from the playground and talk to him at home. On the way home, you will probably cool down and perceive things more sensibly.

Not guilty

What if the child is not involved at all? Maybe some behaviors are absolutely normal for you and your child - so what? Swear? Create a scandal in public ()? This is highly not recommended, because the child is looking at you. You are an authority for him, and he learns from you, absorbs everything you do and will repeat your behavior throughout life. Teach your child to be polite, but to have his own point of view and defend it. You can thank a passerby for their advice and add your own “but.” “Thank you for the advice, but I’ll deal with my child myself,” “Thank you, but you don’t need to worry about us, we’ll sort everything out.”

Even if such answers do not satisfy the same neighbor or passerby, it does not matter. It is important for you not to destroy the trust and that bond between you and your children. Because for all children - you, as a parent, are support, protection, authority and best friend - who will understand everything, protect and will not give offense.

Sometimes a casual remark made by a child unsettles parents. Because it happens so unexpectedly that adults don’t even have time to figure out how to respond to the child correctly in this case. Of course, children grow up and have the right to their personal opinion. And due to the fact that they still speak quite honestly and openly about what they think and see around them, their phrases sometimes literally knock you off your feet.

Remarks can be both funny and offensive. They may be said without reason, but in any case they make an adult think about his behavior or his appearance.

Who is raising whom?

We are parents and have the right to raise our children as we want. But do they have the right to make comments to us and educate us? Absolutely yes. Because they are independent individuals just like us. They have every right to express their opinion. Moreover, there are cases when comments from children come due to dissatisfaction with the behavior of their parents and are far from in vain. For example, there is excessive alcohol abuse in the family or one of the parents is very overweight. Of course, not all mothers and fathers take children's comments and requests seriously. But still, somewhere on a subconscious level they force you to look at the situation from a different perspective. And parents begin to wonder: “What if it’s true that I’m doing the wrong thing, if even the child points out my shortcomings?”

Sometimes children's comments are even useful. After all, if they had not expressed them to us, we would sit for hours on end at the computer, wear ugly clothes, etc.

Children feel much more sensitively and better than adults about how they relate to themselves and others. They have much more developed intuition. This is why you should really listen to children's opinion and try to take it into account.

But there are parents who do not allow their children to teach adults anything and who do not speak flatteringly about them. Especially the upbringing of our grandparents, as well as fathers and mothers, did not allow such liberties as “comments to parents.” This was considered rude towards them and therefore was not allowed, so as not to “undermine parental authority.”

Now times have changed a little and many mothers and fathers are raising their children with equal rights and giving them freedom of speech. They are free to express their opinion, even if it does not quite coincide with the opinions of others.

A fine line between criticism and reprimand

When a child reprimands a parent about something, this is completely acceptable. But when, for example, a baby starts sneezing loudly at his grandmother because she accidentally broke a jar or tied the laces on her children’s shoes incorrectly, this is clearly too much.

Making comments to parents and contradicting them are completely different things. Therefore, if you do not want to spoil your child to such an extent that he controls all your actions, set clear boundaries. Regardless of who reprimands whom, it is worth following important rules that we know from business etiquette.

1. All comments are made in private. If, for example, you want to reprimand your child for misbehaving, do it at home. This way you will earn respect from your child and he will remember this rule. And the next time he is outraged by your behavior, he will not make a remark about you in front of everyone.
2. Comments should be made only on occasion and for a good reason. Otherwise it turns out boring. Children's constant reminders to their parents that they are doing everything wrong are very annoying. In the same way, frequent comments from mom and dad to a child do not have a very positive effect on his psyche. Therefore, think carefully before scolding your child for something, whether he really did something so wrong.
3. Before pointing out a mistake or scolding a person, praise him. Find positive aspects or point out his actions that are worthy of respect. For example, your son or daughter got a bad grade at school. Before scolding your child, start with the phrase: “I know that you have a very heavy load at school and it’s not easy for you. And of course, you’re great for keeping up with everything, even I couldn’t do it, but today in class you got a bad grade, why did this happen?” Perhaps the child will tell you that he was worried or had other reasons for his failure at school.
4. The conversation should be conducted in a friendly and calm tone. You should not raise your voice and take it out on your child, even if he has greatly upset you and done the wrong thing. This increases trust and respect. In any situation, when a child also wants to scold you and make a remark, he will do it just as calmly and without shouting.
5. Formulate your phrase so that it does not contain the “not” part. For example, if you want to say “don’t make noise,” it would be better to say “keep your voice down.”

Children are our reflection. And what we invest in them now is what we will get in the future. Their attitude towards us and others depends on how we raise them. If a sense of trust, respect and love is instilled in them from childhood, they will never contradict their parents. And relevant comments from children that help them become better are very important for parents. After all, strangers do not always dare to voice them to us.

Often, writing in a diary comes as a shock to parents. This mainly happens in families where the right parents and grandparents motivate the child to excel in school and have a successful future. Or parents who are too busy take the position: do what you want, but so that there are no comments - I don’t have time to do this. Ambitious parents know that their child is the best, and perceive his failure as a personal failure.

In order not to react painfully and not to aggravate the child’s trauma, you need to understand: what happens within the walls of the school does not happen to you, but to your child. All mom or dad can do is listen, teach them to negotiate, forgive, and defend their opinion. A note in the diary is a wish or a cry from the teacher for help. For parents, two extremes are equally wrong: taking the child’s side and taking the teacher’s side.

Parents on the child's side

The student needs the support and interest of his parents. It is best to show interest in a confidential conversation. It is not at all necessary to interfere in his relationship with the teacher at every opportunity and tell the teacher what kind of relationship your child deserves. There is no ideal school, there is always something - a lot of tasks, a strict teacher, hard physical education, uncomfortable desks, stupid children.

Following the lead of an offended child, you can change class, teacher, school, several schools. But it is much more important to teach your chick to overcome difficulties in communication, and here he may not be able to cope on his own. It is at school that the child receives his first experience of conflict and avoidance of conflict. Try (if you are asked to do so) to analyze the situation. Together, think about where you can act or speak differently. Do not criticize the child, speak softly and patiently, and share your experience.

Please note: If you unconditionally take the child’s side, if you believe only him, he may not tell you the whole truth. Show that you respect the teacher, never speak badly about the teacher, or discuss him in the presence of the student. If you think that your child has been treated unfairly and you need to intervene, talk to the teacher without witnesses. Clarify the essence of the problem, listen to complaints and express your opinion. The correct approach: support and protect the child, but do it alone with the teacher.

Parents are on the teacher's side

In general, parents should support the school. You sent your child to this school? This means that you have read and agree with the school rules. But if a child knows that you will support adults in any dispute, he will not be able to turn to you for help. Sometimes situations arise that require parental intervention. For example, bullying or being bullied by other children. Slander of a child when he finds himself in the minority and someone else’s misdeed is blamed on him. Finally, an argument with a teacher when the child’s word is against the adult’s word. He tells his story, and the teacher declares that everything was different. Do you know whose word will be more significant?

The child should know: where he cannot solve the problem, you will take his side. Believe him and be happy that in difficult times the child has someone to turn to for help. In special cases, the child may refuse to talk about the essence of the conflict and simply ask to leave school. Parents should not always act as a judge and make a decision, but they should always help a loved one who finds themselves in an insoluble situation.

How to reconcile two sides

This is a chance for parents to teach their child a life lesson. In the event that you yourself are able to negotiate, hear others, apologize and forgive. The teacher is humanly wrong. He can simply make mistakes, like any person. Fatigue and mood “happen” to him. Finally, he was just doing his job. This is really difficult - thirty not always friendly teenagers, each with a couple of adults behind them, well-read American psychologists. Believe me, no teacher is interested in continuing the conflict. We all move through life by making friends, not by making enemies. Show with your example how you can find a common language, giving in on the small things, and winning on the main things.

Word to the teacher

“Almost 50 years of work - and not a single comment. I always thought: I don’t know the parents well, what if they punish the student. This will turn him against the teacher, he will try less, and may withdraw into himself. A teacher, like a doctor, must do no harm. Advice to all teachers: never miss an opportunity to praise and encourage a student - both in personal conversation, in class, and at meetings, even for small successes.” (Alla Alekseevna, 70 years old, French)

“Just today I wrote a couple of comments. “Didn’t listen to the teacher,” “Refused to write in class.” I hope your parents read the diary. It’s hard for all children after the summer holidays, but in third grade you can’t be capricious like in kindergarten. There are many children in the class, I see how difficult it is for them and how hard they try. I made a remark verbally several times. And if I don't write it down in my diary, the offender will win. In addition, I spent time on one student that belongs to everyone: I interrupted the lesson, took a diary, and made a note. Personally, I am not very pleased with this, but this is how justice is manifested. We teach children that good behavior should be rewarded and bad behavior punished.” (Valentina Aleksandrovna, 34 years old, primary school teacher)

“What kind of parents? It was not enough for them to interfere in the educational process. We can handle it just fine ourselves. We have one indicator - solid knowledge. Parents want their child to go to university, which means studying, working, just plowing away. There is a goal, and I help achieve it." (Nina Anatolyevna, 60 years old, mathematics)

“Yes, I checked in. I recorded “Yawning in class” for a 7th grade student. Mathematics is a serious subject that requires attention and mental effort. Here we need to think. If a student struggles to sleep for half a lesson, he is showing disrespect for me and disregard for the subject. Let his parents put him to bed on time. It is my right. The guy interfered with our class work, and I shamed him in front of his classmates.” (Alexey Vladimirovich, 38 years old, mathematics)

“Sometimes it's inevitable. Now there is no behavioral assessment at school, the character reference has been cancelled. You can’t put him in a corner and kick him out of class. The diary is the teacher's last chance. Already in middle school, a child knows which subject he needs and which is not useful. With the consent of his parents, he gets bored in “unnecessary” subjects, distracting other students. In such cases, the teacher needs the help of parents. And this is not a request, this is a requirement: respect your classmates, do not interfere with their studies, do not violate discipline. Although, in my opinion, idleness in class when everyone is working should be equated with absenteeism.” (Svetlana Mikhailovna, 45 years old, Ukrainian)

Parents' stories

“We were horrified when Artem brought “I didn’t try.” They scolded me, demanded that I do everything, and generally put pressure on me. They really wanted him to study well. And a month later it turned out that he couldn’t write beautifully with curved sticks, as in the letter “m”. I would like the remark to be not just a remark, but a recommendation for parents - what to pay attention to and how to help the child.” (Tanya, 32 years old, son Nikita, 7 years old)

“We learn everything from eyewitnesses when we take Sasha to school. She is an active and lively girl. One day the children were jumping around the class, and the teacher punished everyone by putting them at the blackboard. Sasha asked not to tell dad, but you can’t hide an awl in a bag. Dad had a conversation. He explained why at school one must behave decently and respect the work of the teacher, it seems that after this her attitude towards studying changed. There were no further complaints." (Lydia, 35 years old, son Sasha, 8 years old)

“I'm tired of these comments. I’m trying to figure it out, but if there are complaints about behavior, then, according to Denis, it’s always not his fault. Someone started first, they threw a piece of paper at him, took away his notebook... I read and sign, but what should I do? I think bad behavior is a form of protest or defense. Perhaps the teacher does not respect the students. There was a case when a teacher accused her son of changing his version of a test. She tore up my notebook and called me to school. When we figured it out, it turned out that on the day of the test he was sick, he wrote the work separately from the class, and the teacher put the notebook in a common pile. For three years now, she has not missed the opportunity to remember: “This mother always protects her son.” And she forgets that she was wrong, and sometimes no one except the mother will protect the child.” (Elena, 35 years old, son Denis, 15 years old)

“The little one hasn’t shown her diary for a year now. She thinks she's an adult. Mostly comments about clothing. If he wears a uniform, he tries to decorate himself - a belt with a flower, a tie, a bright hairpin. As a man, I think that this is normal - it is important for a girl to realize her individuality and attractiveness. As a father, I will say that these are trifles against the background of the fact that children choose a specialization, like ours - humanities, and receive permission to not care about mathematics and physics...” (Andrey, 40 years old, Natasha, 14 years old)

“I react easily. I called the teacher and said, thank you, we talked, we shamed him, but what to do? This is a boy, he is so playful. Previously, he didn’t listen at all, and only now, thanks to your efforts, thank you very much, he worries that he has upset you... And everyone is happy. The teacher knows that he has been heard. And for me the main thing is that the child develops freely” (Tatiana, 35 years old, Sasha, 11 years old)

, Cohabitation

Good afternoon I have a difficult relationship with my mother. I really don’t like that she often screams if I don’t do what she wants. I’m also very annoyed that she speaks poorly of people, even those she doesn’t know well, and doesn’t trust anyone. He sees more bad than good in people, and tells me about it. This really spoils my mood. And even sometimes her opinion about someone influences mine, although at first I think positively about the person. Lately I can’t stand it and break down, making comments to my mother that she should stop seeing only the bad in people and don’t share it with me. Do I even have such a right to make comments to my parents, or should I just endure it in silence? Thank you in advance. N.

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Tziporah Haritan answers

Dear N.,

I can only speak from two positions: one is the position of Judaism, which offers clear criteria by which to evaluate our behavior with our parents. The second is the position of common sense and benefit.

Jewish Law says that children should not make any comments to their parents, criticize their behavior out loud, or teach them how to behave correctly. On the other hand, you are not obliged to accept your mother’s opinion and can, figuratively speaking, turn a deaf ear to her words.

From the point of view of common sense: because Your mother is clearly over fifty; it is unlikely that you will be able to change her views on life, which probably developed as a result of difficult life experiences. In life we ​​come across a variety of people. The bad very often catches your eye, and it takes a lot of work on yourself to look at life optimistically. Not everyone can or can do this. If I were you, I would try to internally sympathize with my mother. How hard it must be for a person who looks at the world with such a gloomy look. The fact that you make comments to her and try to re-educate her, she is unlikely to change. But your relationship with her risks deteriorating greatly. If you say to yourself: “Okay, I know that mom is like that, that’s why she said it and said it. I shouldn’t pay attention to this,” then your suffering becomes less, especially if you promise yourself internally not to listen to this opinion. After all, we all hear what very different people say on different topics, and not every opinion is significant for us. Therefore, if you say to yourself: “When mom talks about others, I know that this comes from her approach to life, and not necessarily from an objective analysis of a specific situation, so I don’t give weight to this opinion,” this will help you much more than trying to silence my mother and quarreling with her.

I wish you to gain strength and patience for your relationship with your mother. Let you be supported by the thought that respect for parents is very godly behavior.

Classmates

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